When My Protector Parts Met Theirs

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I said in an earlier post that as a therapist, you’re your own first client. And I can tell you – that first client of mine? She was… intense. She couldn’t sleep when her child was sad. She’d jump in, fix it, rescue it – anything but let them struggle. Because their pain felt unbearable.

When My Protector Parts Met Theirs - a mother and teenage daughter arguing

The IFS Lens on Parenting

IFS (Internal Family Systems) teaches that we all have parts — inner protectors shaped by our past. They take over when we feel unsafe or out of control. For parents, that can mean:

    • Over-functioning
    • Fixing instead of feeling
    • Rescuing instead of witnessing

    What This Looks Like

      • Your child cries → your inner Rescuer leaps in
      • Your child shuts down → your inner Guilt floods the space
      • Your child lashes out → your inner Fear clamps down
    When My Protector Parts Met Theirs - two deer representing IFS systems between teen and parent

    What’s Actually Happening

    You’re not parenting. Your protector parts are. And they’re speaking to your child’s protector parts. It becomes a loop of pain, panic, and powerlessness.

    How to Break the Cycle:

    • Name the part: “Ah, this is my Fixer.”
    • Breathe. Pause. Don’t speak yet.
    • Ask: “What does this part believe will happen if I don’t act?”
    • Find your grounded Self before re-engaging

      Parenting from your grounded Self means you can witness your child’s distress without over-identifying, hold boundaries with love and stay calm when they can’t.

      That’s what I teach inside Parent Like a Leader: Raise the Future. Because to help your child grow up, you need to lead from the part of you that already has.

      Book a (free) WayForward Consultation. Let’s get your family back on track: https://calendly.com/ingermadsen/wayforward