Accept what is – and it changes
Last week I gave a keynote at Saffron Walden County High School – talking all things teen chaos, and why it’s not the moment for logic.
You might’ve been there. Your child’s yelling, spiralling, totally unreachable. You try to reason. But they’ve flipped the lid on their thinking brain.
So what do you do?
First, accept what is
This is a key teaching from my Seven Pillars of Empowered Parenting. And it’s a paradox:
Unless we accept what is, it cannot change.
When your teenager is screaming obscenities at you or crying hysterically about something that hasn’t even happened — that’s the reality you’re in.
Not the one you wish you were in. The one you’re in now.
And when we skip past that and go straight to fixing or explaining, we miss the very thing that can shift it: acceptance.
Understand what’s happening in their brain
In these moments, your teen isn’t being difficult for the sake of it. They’ve “flipped their lid” – their thinking brain has gone offline.
They’re in fight or flight.
Which means logic isn’t available. But emotion is being emitted at high speed and it’s communicating. Hard. But the owner of the brain isn’t able to listen – so you must do it for them.
Tune in to what the emotion is
Think of their emotional outburst like the flashing lights on a car dashboard. You don’t ignore it, and you don’t try to drive on and pretend it’s fine.
You check what it’s telling you.
- Is it hellfire and fury?
- Or fear and despair?
Both look chaotic from the outside. But they need different kinds of emotional support.
Talk to the emotions, not the behaviour
Name it to tame it.
“I see how angry you are. It’s okay. Everyone gets angry. You’re angry now — and I’m here.”
Or:
“You’re really scared, aren’t you? It feels huge. That makes sense.”
That moment of being ‘seen’ is what starts to bring them back online. Those core emotions usually last around 90 seconds if their message is received.
Once the emotion has calmed
It’s time to talk about what caused it. Conflict isn’t proof that you’re failing. It’s proof that you’re in relationship.
Handled well, rupture actually strengthens connection. But it starts with you — and your capacity to stay with what is.
Let me know if you have any comments or questions on the often paradoxical nature of emotional outbursts