“You’re not talking to your teenager anymore.”
That realisation changed everything for me.
Because when your teen walks in late, you ask, “Where have you been?” and suddenly — boom. Explosion. Sarcasm. Eye rolls. A teary monologue about how you never trust them.
Sound familiar?
What’s actually going on
What most parents don’t realise in that moment is that you’re not speaking to your teenager’s calm, rational Self anymore. You’re speaking to a protector part.
In IFS (Internal Family Systems), protector parts show up the moment we feel threatened – even if that threat is emotional.
Your child hears “Where have you been?” and feels: “I’m bad. I’m in trouble. I’ve failed.”
Cue the protector: maybe it’s defensive sarcasm. Maybe it’s a sad little “poor me” act. Maybe it’s straight-up rage.
But the aim is always the same – to protect your teen from shame, fear, or blame.
Here’s where we go wrong as parents:
We try to push through. We try to reason with the part. We raise our energy to match theirs, thinking that more pressure will lead to more honesty.
It doesn’t.
Because you’re no longer in dialogue with your teen’s core Self.
The only way through? To speak around the protector. To stay grounded in your own calm, connected Self. To create enough emotional safety that your child can return to themselves.
It’s not easy.
But it’s the heart of what I teach in my course, Parent Like a Leader: Raise the Future.
Because parenting teenagers isn’t about reacting to the parts. It’s about leading the whole child.
Book a (free) WayForward Consultation and let’s talk: https://calendly.com/ingermadsen/wayforward